GearCruncher

For the last year, I’ve been working predominantly on Citroens. I’m not a stranger to Gallic machinery having spent the previous 6 years working on Renaults. I’ll admit I do have a soft spot the diamond and have owned four in my driving career (as well as convincing my parents and brother to do the same and they’ve still got ‘em) but I’ve never been keen on the double chevrons. Ok, a 2CV is still on my ‘to do’ list, for comedy value really, but no, Citroens aren’t for me.
Or so I thought.
PSA (the company that owns both Peugeot and Citroen) have done a little deal with Toyota and have produced a 1 litre, 3 cylinder motor little car, namely the Citroen C1. It’s the same car has been produced by Toyota as the Aygo and Peugeot as the 107 (or something like that), only with mild styling differences at the front.
Now here’s the problem (don’t worry, I’m not going to waffle on about fuel economy and Euro NCAP ratings; theres plenty of websites that’ll tell you all that bollocks). I’ve driven a few of these diminutive motors and, well, they’re kinda OK. Quirky-ish styling and a poky engine… well, it is fun. Now I’m thinking I wouldn’t mind one (but it’s not on the ‘to do’ list yet) but, and here’s the thing, I’ve decided that if I did, I’d get a Toyota or Peugeot one. And it’s only so I can avoid the chevrons. Even though the Citroen is the cheapest of the three.
Am I being badge-ist?

Welcome to GearCruncher, the thoughts and musings of an automotive idiot.

Vanity is not just the preserve of the human race. It’s prevalent in the animal world also. One of the most obvious examples is the peacock. The male of the species has big colourful iridescent tail feathers used to attract a dully plumed female. Likewise, male deer have majestic horns to make them attractive to females (perhaps trying to make up for something?) and also to fight other males for power over the hornless and somewhat ordinary looking females.
In my field of apparent expertise, it’s not just animals that display these attributes. The human form is most certainly boy racers. Wheels the size of planets only serve to emphasize the puny, standard brakes fitted. Subwoofers in the boot cause spontaneous incontinence to anyone nearby when hitting those killer bass notes. Bodykits that can’t hide the true design of the underpowered, base model hatchback underneath.

First of all, they are called boy racers for a reason. They’re all boys. They all race their shit cars. It’s rather self explanatory, really. OK, some are girls. But they’re a rarity.
The first unsubtle modification that a true boy racer will make is the wheels. They will generally be big with low profile tyres and paid for on a high interest credit card or else, stolen. They will certainly rub on the inner wing when on full lock.
Subwoofers are used to broadcast the expense of the audio equipment. This then adds to further car crime statistics as the expensive audio equipment is nicked.
Bodykits are generally by far the most expensive modification (therefore usually the last modification carried out, if at all). These do not hide the fact that it is a just an underpowered base model. However, what becomes very apparent is that it makes these cars impossible to fit on a vehicle lift without damaging the bodykit. Never mind, most of the time the plastic bends.

These cars are invariably used by the males of the species to get the knickers off the female of the species. They serve as a penis extension in themselves and, just as stags fight one another during the mating season, these males will race each other in their shit cars in order to impress the (cheap) females. If any of these females try to insist they’re not cheap, just check the back page of any issue of Max Power. There they are, tits out, stating they would never go out with an ugly bloke with a nice looking (sic) motor. How seriously would you take a girl with her baps out in a bloke mag? Exactly.

The word ‘boy’ can, however, be a loose term. Personal experience recalls a 30-something, fat bastard with a red, underpowered 1.2 8 valve Clio. All manner of bollocks was stuck on this motor. He tried to convince us that it was dyno-tested at 130bhp. He continued to insist that was going to be featured in a car mag. He even payed £20 for a set of fake bonnet pins that came free with a boy racer mag. When challenged to a race one of the mechanics in his Subaru Impreza Turbo, he began to change the subject and laugh it off. So, if you happen to be that guy who came to a big Renault garage in north London with your crap car and wandered around as if actually fucking invited, you, sir, are a fucking dick.

Anyway, I digress. It’s this vanity that really bugs an automotive idiot such as myself. So much money is spent on these cars that by rights, they should be in great condition and have well thought out, sensible modifications. However, if one of these cars should EVER come into a garage (an occurrence as regular as a constipated turd) there is generally plenty of bonus earning potential (brakes and tyres, primarily). I say potential, because that is how it shall stay. No money is spent on these cars unless it involves a cheap plastic chrome finish or LED lighting. Brakes will be warped and shocks fucked. So they shall remain.

But the owner will definitely have the lowering springs and the shitty Lexus style rear lights fitted.

Pricks.